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October –By Bushra Zulfiqar

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The news that GHQ was under attack literally shocked everyone in and out of the country. As a child, I was a regular visitor of the venue because at that time it happened to be my father’s office. As someone with so many childhood memories associated with that place, I was completely shattered at the insanity of the violence that had and was still taking place. I remained glued to my television screen pretty much in dis-belief at the mercilessness of the perpetuators of terror. I was completely unable to reach at any understanding of why this was happening, the sole explanation that came from my heart and not head was that it was an early October morning, and heart is a strange organ.

October is a good month, no it is a bad month or maybe it is just another month but it certainly is not my month though I was born in October. That was not my choice and whatever October brings has never been my choice. This is an unfair month, it signals the arrival of winter. That scares and un-nerves me, the fear of unknown creeps up with the beginning of this month. October is my fear. Fifteen years ago, my father died in this month and a part of me died with him. To this day, I wade through the empty spaces inside me, transiting between unfilled, hollow blocks in search of living space. When my father went away, he left a part of his self with me and took a part of myself with him, how painful yet pleasurable. October makes me relive the pain of loosing a loved one just like the fear of approaching storms and the scare of a lost child in a crowd of all kinds of strangers. October reminds me of what it is like to loose a parent and that how drastically can the inner and outer worlds of someone change in a split second. October is a ruthless month, a lens through which ugly realities of humans, their un-masked faces and true colours can be visualized.

I have lost too much to October. Eight years ago, my then best friend left me, abandoned our beautiful bond of love and mutual trust. Since then I have stopped making best friends no matter how lonely and lost I become. Yes, it was also October or maybe just another month…Life is all about living in the present and going through a process of self evolution to live and enjoy whatever life has to offer. Today, I have a great love for life with its share of happiness and sorrows, gains and losses but October still disturbs me. It is a strange month. 

Bushra Zulfiqar

12th October 2009

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