Designer Ps and Vs —Ejaz Haider

Revirgination, political or otherwise, is more a hoax than anything else. It’s much better to go into the future with a substantial change of heart than cosmetic procedures, legal or anatomical — the strum und drang of life and politics notwithstandingThe gentleman with the perpetual frown is today the knight fighting for the cause of the judges. Yesterday, he had ordered his shock troops to storm the Supreme Court and put the fear of God in the hearts of Their Lordships.

Of course one can argue that today is different from tomorrow, that even bawds and whores, to quote the Fool in King Lear, “do churches build” and therefore Mr Perpetual Frown could have had a change of heart.

Fair enough. Indeed, if you ask me, this is a legitimate argument and makes as good a mea culpa as saying “I am sorry” — in fact, even better. After all, actions speak louder than words and Mr PF in any case has always been a man of few words. Stringing a coherent sentence clearly requires abilities quite different from those needed to lead a political party.

Then there is the gentleman with the perpetual smile that would make even a Cheshire cat envious. He wasn’t exactly someone people would trust their money with. You know how these things are. In this country being enterprising can make tongues wag and there is nothing worse than wagging tongues.

But Mr Perpetual Smile knew his hour of vindication would come, as it did and now he walks around like a nubile virgin as he should despite, as some would say, his political oeuvre. For my money, those who still cast doubts over Mr PS’ revirginated status belong in a different period and live by a conservatism that is passé.

It is somewhat strange that popular opinion should act like a stuck old record. It’s like refusing to believe that people can and do change. But all of us change, have changed and continue to do so unless we want to stagnate and breed mosquitoes.

So why must we think that Messrs PF and PS have not changed or cannot? Public figures in any case need to constantly reinvent themselves. In Pakistan, by the very nature of what they do in one stint, they have to recreate their virginal credentials for the next — and it goes on.

This is the political equivalent of vaginal rejuvenation, a procedure that is becoming the vogue now. No more chastity belts or mothballing. Modern procedures can now recreate a person and why not. If we can have reconditioned cars, what’s wrong with reconditioned Vs?

But conservatism rages here too. A report tells me that it’s not that easy. In Australia, “doctors have raised concerns about clinics offering vaginal cosmetic surgery, warning the trend towards so-called ‘designer vaginas’ may be exploiting vulnerable women”. Designer Vs! I like that.

This is how the report goes:

“The Royal Australian and New Zealand College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists said procedures being offered included ‘vaginal rejuvenation, revirgination, designer vaginoplasty and G-spot amplification’.

“‘What is involved in these procedures is often unclear since recognised clinical nomenclature is not being used,’ it said in a position paper released this week.

“The college labelled the procedures dangerous, expensive and unwarranted, and said it strongly discouraged surgery that was not backed by scientific evidence or clinical trials.

“‘The real risks of potential complications such as scarring, permanent disfigurement, infection, dyspareunia and altered sexual sensations should be discussed in detail with women seeking such treatments,’ it said.

“The college said women should understand that there were a large number of variations in the appearance of normal female genitalia.

“‘The college is particularly concerned that such surgery may exploit vulnerable women,’ it said.

“Ted Weaver, chairman of the college’s women’s health committee, said most of the operations cost at least 10,000 dollars (9,500 US), which he described as an ‘extraordinary amount of money’.

“‘We feel these operations might prey on people with insecurities and fears who actually need psychological help,’ he told Australian Associated Press.

“‘They are also not very anatomically-based and have the potential to cause serious harm.’

“Doctors in the United States and Britain have raised similar concerns about the surgery.”

Hmm… So this is after all not as good as it seems. There can be complications and the rest. Of course, there is also a paradox here: using modern techniques to reinforce old myths and biases — i.e., if a woman has been around she needs to rework herself as someone who has not been around. Men don’t do that. In fact wider circulation seems to work to their advantage.

But politics in the case of men is different. Recreation does run the problem of complications and infections in politics and about as much as in the attempt to get designer Vs. What is worse is that while vaginal rejuvenation may put just one person at risk, political revirgination tends to draw into its infections larger collections of peoples.

Quite often it creates polarisation with people pulling in different directions. Passions begin to run high because despite the process of rejuvenation, the past keeps catching up to the detriment of all concerned.

Moral of the story: revirgination, political or otherwise, is more a hoax than anything else. It’s much better to go into the future with a substantial change of heart than cosmetic procedures, legal or anatomical — the strum und drang of life and politics notwithstanding.

Ejaz Haider is Consulting Editor of The Friday Times and Op-Ed Editor of Daily Times. He can be reached at



Source: Daily Times, 10/8/2008

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