A case for explosive underwear — Ejaz Haider

One thing should be obvious. Beaded thongs are definitely better than metal ball-bearing and glass-splinters-carrying tangas. A JR rep said: “We don’t use RDX to make our underwear explosive; we put a different kind of explosive material in it”

Bazaar buzz in Kot Gai is that Mr BM, the gentleman currently dwelling in some craggy mountain redoubt in the area, is planning to introduce what is being described as an explosive line of underwear. And why not. If mangoes can explode in this country, underwear, especially when it adorns the right curves, has always had greater explosive potential.

The information has also been corroborated by Naughty Line, the foremost web-mag that reviews and authenticates underwear across the world. The only underwear Naughty Line does not cover is the one worn by Superman/Superwoman because both tend to wear it over their clothes.

Naughty Line, according to this newspaper’s monitoring desk, quoted such sources as Victoria’s Secret and age-old lingerie brands like Janet Reger as saying that Mr BM’s intentions are unclear and “we do not know what to expect; we don’t have a definition of ‘explosive’ in his case”.

So far the whole thing has been quite hush-hush. A VS spokesperson told Naughty Line that no one had any idea about exactly how explosive Mr BM’s new underwear line would be: “We generally use sexy or sensuous for our lingerie; explosive is not how we market our line.”

The other big secret is whether Mr BM’s company, Ummah’s Secret (US), is coming up with designs only for men’s underwear or the line also includes women’s lingerie.

Janet Reger, meanwhile, is not taking any chances. According to a company spokesperson, JR is introducing a racy new line of risqué underwear, ‘Naughty Janet’, for which, industry insiders say, the company’s inspiration comes from the story about the emperor’s new clothes. This essentially means creating a notion of clothing using imagination rather than employing actual fabric which, in any case, is purely cumbersome in circumstances that necessitate the wearing of nothing more than notional.

Daily Candy had this to say about the line: “With an abundance of flirty (Woody Allen would say dirty) half-cup bras and beaded thongs (the Chastity in Chains set puts last year’s Pearl Fanny-Slicer in the shade), this is a range for ladies (and gents) who want to get raunchy in style…”.

One thing should be obvious. Beaded thongs are definitely better than metal ball-bearing and glass-splinters-carrying tangas. A JR rep said: “We don’t use RDX to make our underwear explosive; we put a different kind of explosive material in it.”

Yeah, sure. Underwear that’s called “Pearl Fanny-Slicer” or “Chastity in Chains” has to be a whole lot better than something one would bill as “severed in extremis” or “raunchy RDX”. One ad read: “JR only asks if you want to stay on top. If yes, then you have to keep it up and keep at it.”

We could not ascertain whether US is also focusing on explosive bras, but the buzz is that its idea of the explosive may not allow it to develop a credible naughty line — g-string, v-string and t-backs — of underwear. The combination of RDX, ball-bearings and metal shards is somewhat difficult to pack in the kind of underwear that is just there — or, going by JR’s line, not even that.

This is most disappointing. Efforts to tell Mr BM that the explosive content in such merchandise does not come from RDX but material provided by agencies like Elite, Success, DNA and Ford Models etc have so far failed.

Meanwhile, the president of All-Pakistan Langote Association, Bhola-Bhala Butt thinks the West has no idea about underwear. He says that desi underpinnings require langote rather than the not-really-there notional underwear that women and men have taken to wearing in the West.

One look at Butt sahib’s butt is enough to vindicate him. That butt, sorry Butt sahib, does require much more than the kind of notional underwear produced by JR or VS.

But back to Mr BM. It would then seem that his designers are hard at work to create something that is substantial and might weigh between one-and-a-half to three kg. The army calls it embedding the assets.

The great thing about this underwear is that it doesn’t require the wearer to be explosive to explode. Its explosive potential, we are informed, is intrinsic to it. One insider from Mr BM’s camp told this newspaper on condition of anonymity that “we do not need curves to make our merchandise explosive; we pack the punch inside and that works. No need to go looking for Brazilian legs and curves; you just need someone who hates underwear, disbelieves in the bird in hand in this world and is always looking for two in the next and bang!”

Would you then not say, dear reader, that Mr BM’s underwear and its many wearers are kinda different from anything the lingerie companies produce and how and through whom they advertise the wisps of fabric they sell as undergarments? No?

Ejaz Haider is Consulting Editor of The Friday Times and Op-Ed Editor of Daily Times. He can be reached at sapper@dailytimes.com.pk

Source: Daily Times, 3/8/2008


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